YDSS

On last week’s episode of Douche Bags in Space, Richard Branson took a break from his day job: Posing with topless models on jet skis, to do a photo shoot with his crew of astronauts in sexy space suits before boarding the VSS Unity and soaring to a height of over 50 miles above the earth.

Not to be outdone, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos took a historic flight to the edge of space in his own spacecraft today. He reached an altitude of 66.5 miles above the ground, before his capsule fell back to earth. After a safe landing, Bezos emerged from his capsule like a jackass wearing a cowboy hat, because his employees were too scared to tell him that he is not Clint Eastwood, and Space Cowboys was just a subpar movie asshole.

Now the key differences between the two flights is that Branson’s spacecraft was attached to a “mother ship” plane, which flew 7 miles up. Everyone on the ground held their breaths as the jet-rocket carrying Branson and team fired up, carrying the crew 43 more miles up. Everyone on the ground was in awe.This is distinctly different from Bezo’s reusable rocket, where everyone watching on the ground were holding their breaths, hoping it would explode. -When it did not, they just said “Aww”.

Just kidding. I’m just kidding, of course. -There were other good people on board.

So anyways, all this week people have been debating the morality of billionaires sending themselves on vanity trips to space, while we have such an enormous gap between the rich and poor on the ground. Bezos is the richest person in the world, Amazon pays virtually no taxes, and treats their workers like garbage.

It’s a legit point to make. Personally, I don’t believe billionaires should exist. That said- if they are going to exist, they might as well do some really, really cool shit like this.

And say what you want about both men, but it takes some huge balls to ride experimental rockets to the edge of space. So, respect for that. Also, this is not a sexist environment, the women on board also had monster ovaries. Looking at you Wally Funk. Respect.

Now NASA was one of America’s greatest achievements, and ushered in all types of technological advancements. And then it was left to decay and die. -Oh sorry, it was replaced with Donald Trump’s F-ing Space Force. You got to be kidding me. Fact is Americans are not the most curious -or scientifically literate- people on the planet. More Americans believe in haunted houses than the Big Bang Theory, and no, I’m not talking about the television show.

Full disclosure here, I love math & science. Grew up obsessed with science, outer space, astronauts. I majored in physics, spent 8 years in R&D… and I’m currently in grad school for statistics. However, most Americans don’t do science for fun. Science is for nerds like Screech, Steve Eurkel, and the melvins on BBT. That is who Americans *think* scientists are… and it doesn’t appeal to them,except to make jokes to cover up their lack of understanding.

But Americans do like to blow things up. NASA, which accounted for 0.5% of the federal budget, was a colossal waste of money… but strap some guns and lasers onto a rocket, call it the Space Force, and people cheer it on. Tap into military funding. To hell with the Coast Guard, what do they even do anyway? They can’t wait to get some nukes in orbit, circling with the satellites and space debris. Sorry about the dropped calls, the Population Zero megadeath cannon must be interfering with cell phone service again. But hey, if those aliens are real, we’ll be ready, -or kill ourselves trying.

So it is what it is. America gave up on space exploration. If it takes a couple D-bags in cowboy hats and spandex space suits to revive it, so be it.

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For the record, The Big Bang Theory IS a hilarious show, and as far as this billionaire space race goes, I guess I’ll be rooting for the British guy. Bezos sucks.
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